Today I am writing a letter of… for lack of better words, release. I am releasing into the universe, or world wide web, or whatever, all of my hurt and pain. The person that hurt me is not someone that I can talk to, this person would not listen, they would turn the situation back on me, and they would insist that they were the victim in this. This person would never admit to the amount of manipulation they initiated, nor would they admit that they were wrong. This person lied to my face for nearly a year and hurt me greatly. Because of this person’s actions not only were my feelings hurt, but it was proven to me yet again to not trust people.
Trust has been a struggle for me for my entire existence and I have worked hard to overcome this, and I am so angry that in a short time someone that I trusted greatly so deeply took advantage of me and nearly ruined a very close relationship that I had. So, this is my letter to that person… to release my feelings and finally be able to let go of it.
I just want you to know how much you hurt me. You were my friend; someone that I confided in, someone that I trusted, and someone that I let past the guard I had built. In a moment you tore apart my entire world.
In this instance, you were aware of the problem that existed long before you made me aware, and you never once cared to let me in on what had happened. In that one decision, you tore apart a friendship that I had worked so hard to create. It was because of you that my friend thought I didn’t care about her, it was because of you that she became angry with me.
She sat wondering why I wasn’t coming to her, when I didn’t even know what had happened… and you did. As my leader, as my friend, you should have come to me. You lead me to believe that my friend truly thought I hurt her child. You never allowed me the chance to defend myself or even resolve the situation before it became something bigger than I had ever dreamed.
In an instant my entire world came crashing down around me and you didn’t even care. You stood beside me for months filling my head with lies. Telling me that they hated me, telling me that they were deliberately causing problems for me, that they wanted nothing more than to tear me down. You even told me that they were jealous of my friendship with you, when in reality I think it was you that was jealous of my friendship with them. You projected your insecurities onto my relationship with them and created problems for me because of that. You didn’t like them, you hated that they saw through you, and because of that you tried your hardest to create strife between them and me.
And, do you want to know the worst part? You don’t even care. You have gone on with your life, and I am still here picking up the pieces. I lost my best-friend, I lost my church family, I lost my safe and fun place of work, I lost everything and you lost nothing!! You have gone on with your life, you are content to live in your web of lies and hurt, and pretend that it belongs to everyone else.
I have heard so many things since this event that you have said behind my back. Calling me your “project” and telling private things that I shared with you. How dare you! How DARE YOU!! You have got to be the most arrogant person alive to think that you could be so above me that I would be YOUR project.
I want you to be able to find peace with others, but mostly with yourself. I want for you to wake up one day and see all the pain that you have caused so many. I want you to wake up one day and see that the world revolves around the sun, and not you. I want you to understand that you are not the final say in all things. And, at some point I want you to understand that by hurting others you are not getting rid of your own pain, you are simply adding to it. I also, wish and hope and pray that at some point someone in your life will stand up to and make you understand what you are doing. I hope that the Godly people in your life will take their Godly place and your wrongs will be revealed to you, rather than covered up. But, mostly I just want you to stop pretending, I want you to be real and transparent instead of fake and manipulative. And, at some point I want you to understand that just because you throw a temper tantrum it doesn’t mean you will always get your way.
I will be honest with you, there have been several moments over the last year that I have wanted nothing but bad for you. I have wanted you to hurt as much as I have, because I don’t truly believe that you have. I have wanted for you to be put into your place in a way that would show the world who you really are. And, I would be lying if I said I didn’t still want those things. I think a small fallible part of me will always wish that you could hurt like I did.
You are spoiled, and selfish, and you have no place being in the career position that you are in. However, I want you to know that I am walking away. I am working to forgive you. I wish I could say I forgive you, but it will be a process for me… and not an easy one, so I am working on that. I hope that you can find peace with what you have done and I know that someday you will answer to a higher being for your actions. I hope one day you grow up and learn that life is more than the small, insignificant person that you are. And I pray for the people in your life that you come to realize all of these things before you hurt anyone else.