growing pains…

We’ve all been there. The moms down the block plan a girl’s day out and you are left standing there, watching the caravan drive away. That all too familiar pang of being unwanted stabbing at your heart; because, you see, we are all human and hurt is real. No matter how much we deny it, it hurts to be left out. Most of us aren’t born with the ability to turn off those feelings, and some of us are born with an overwhelming insecurity that makes those moments all the more hurtful.

As I have moved through seasons in my life I have realized some things about myself. I have an incessant need to feel wanted. I don’t know why, but I assume it has something to do with my father – daddy issues… who doesn’t have them? This feeling, no matter how hard I try, will not leave me. I NEED to be wanted by the people around me. I don’t need constant compliments or building up, I just need to feel needed and wanted.

I recently watched a reality television show with my husband, and as I watched I realized this show was my worst nightmare come true. An entire show built on the premise that everyone is in on the joke except one person. I literally have nightmares about situations like this. I just need people to want me, and to feel that someone doesn’t, hurts me to the very core.

This is something I am working on. For the last decade of my life I have been working on the concept of “thick skin”  in this world where blades seem to be flying at an exceedingly fast pace. Sometimes I turn on the Jason Mraz song A Beautiful Mess, and get completely lost in the words of this song (I will try to post a link to the video below). This song allows me to both wallow in my sadness and find a strength inside to get up and move on… and, let’s just be honest, his pretty little face can make any bad day better.

No one ever promised that growing up would be fun, but a part of me hoped that growing up would at some point get a little easier. That some of this insecurity would fade. That one day it wouldn’t matter to me if someone excluded me or didn’t want me. However, today as I watched the proverbial caravan drive away, my heart shattered into a thousand pieces… again. I wonder if there will ever be a day when it won’t matter to me. I wonder if there will ever be a day when it doesn’t hurt this bad to be unwanted.

 

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Jason Mraz, A Beautiful Mess (I hope the link works)

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One Comment Add yours

  1. Tina Millsap says:

    Aleah,

    I couldn’t agree with you more. But my situation has left me with no friends. Either they moved away or just moved on. I find that easier, lonlier yes, but easier.

    Like

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