What I Learned When I Had Major Surgery

We’ve all seen the shows on tv. You have major surgery, you’re done, and you look like you just stepped out of a salon. Sounds realistic, right? It’s not. It’s all lies.

A few weeks ago, (three weeks and three days to be exact), I had a full hysterectomy. I have had 2 major surgeries (c-sections), and even still, I wasn’t prepared for this surgery when it happened. Let me preface with, I had a major complication, but still. TV LIES!! So, I have taken it upon myself to tell you some truths that I have learned about surgery.

1. This does not exist. (See picture)

jessewilliams

Maybe, in a far off land. But, I can assure you, if you have surgery in a normal hospital expect to see Attila the Hun in your room.

2. The IV WILL be the most painful part of your surgery. 

There is always one person in the hospital who can insert an IV with little to no pain. You will not get this person. You will get the person who had a need to dig for gold in your veins. You will get the person who couldn’t hit a vein the size of the Nile River. Be prepared to look like a junkie for weeks after you leave.

3. Gas.

Oh the gas. Apparently, when you have surgery they fill your entire body with gas… something about trying to find “leaks” or something. You will look and feel like the Michelin Man after… and no amount of Gas-X will make it go away.

4. Poop.

Okay, let’s be honest here… you’ve just had major surgery on your stomach (or where ever you may have had it), the last thing you want to think about is pooping. However, when you want to finally poop, you will feel like freaking Mt. Rushmore is trying to make it’s way out down there.

Flash forward a few days, and you will have taken so many stool softeners and you will wonder how anything else could possibly be inside of you.

5. Pain.

This should have probably been up higher on the list, because at some point after surgery, you will understand pain killer addictions, and you will plead with everyone around you (and at some point, God) to just make it stop. “Please, for the love of God, make the pain go away. Just kill me.” It will happen. Oh, and just when you think you are feeling better… BAM! There is your pain back to remind you that you aren’t in-fact healed just yet.

6. “How are you feeling?”

Well meaning friends and family will ask you almost daily, sometimes hourly, how you are feeling. Every time you turn around you will hear this question. At some point, you will lose your tact and you will start to answer with things like, “Not great” and that will eventually transition into, “Well, you know the coyote after the anvil drops on him? He feels better than I do.”

7. Your first mirror moment.

I was not prepared for this. The first time I came home and got up to go to the bathroom, I passed the mirror and almost died. I caught a glimpse of this white (and I mean like, making Dracula look tan, white), dead looking creature. I let out a small scream, only to realize it was my reflection.

No matter what kind of surgery you have, these things will haunt you. If you do happen to find your Dr. McDreamy or Dr. McSteamy – never let him go. He is a rarity, and all women search for a doctor like him.

As for me, I’m three weeks post-surgery and I am heading out for a movie with friends. I’m pretty excited.

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