I’m sitting here in the kitchen, empty coffee cup in front of me (it was too bitter because my diet doesn’t allow my usual 12 sugars), and gazing at my youngest tapping her dry cereal with her spoon. It strikes me how far I’ve come in my life from the girl I used to be. I have a husband now, and a home, and three little girls of my own. No more worry over not having a mom. No more wondering just how drunk dad will get tonight. If I were in school right now, I’d study my butt off because I’d have a purpose for my good grades. If I were working outside of the home, I would strive to make it a happier, kinder place while I was there.
As a young girl, I always felt so lost. I thought I knew what I wanted, but worried about the how. How would I choose? How would I like it? Did I really want to write an advice column?How on Earth was I going to pass Math? Life was so…uncertain.
But that was then. I still feel like there is more out there for me to do yet, but I no longer feel so lost. I have a loving and kind husband and three girls that turn my life upside down, but make me smile at the same time. I still have insecurities and worries. But they don’t terrify or define me anymore.
I raise three little human beings (at least I think they’re human, the doctor seemed convinced). I make mistakes (so I’m definitely human haha). I try harder now than I ever have before to be the best version of myself. I have three girls watching me. They see me stand up for things. They see my kindness towards others. They witness my humanity and compassion to strangers. They see my outrage at the mistreatment of others. They also see me make mistakes and apologize for them.
Life changed me. It made me learn to be stronger. Rather than give up, I pressed on. My mom dying when I was 15 didn’t actually kill me. My dads shortcomings didn’t change me into a bitter, cruel woman.
Instead, I tried to be the opposite of all the things I hated growing up. So I created a sort of list in my head to carry with me.
I would not be a doormat to the people who are supposed to love me (still working on this one). I would not let my husband speak to me in a mean way without saying something to him. I would try to never drink in anger, or to damaging excess. I would never drive drunk! I would never let fear push me away from something new (working on this one too). I would try to be open-minded to everything and question lots of things. I would try to step in where others would not (insecurity gets me on this one, but I still try). And above all, I would try like hell to be myself and not what someone has said I should be, or what some book said, or what society has said.
I am me. I am the me-est me you’re going to get. It takes trust for me to let you in fully, but once you’ve earned it and not abused it, you will never want for a more loyal friend. I don’t waiver. If I can help, help is yours. If you need my shoulder, it’s yours. If you need my hand, here it is. If you need my love, you have it, friend. Call me Moe with an ‘e’, like the stooge.
Thoughts?How have you changed in your life?