I had a mommy meltdown today. Over a McDonald’s cup. Okay, it wasn’t really the cup, as much as it was the fact that this is probably the 4,000th time over the last week that I have asked my son to pick his cup or empty drink up and put it where it belongs.
I recently watched the movie Mom’s Night Out, and in this movie the main character talks about being stress paralyzed. I have been stress paralyzed; but more often I am stress raged. I make The Incredible Hulk look like Mother Teresa. I’m going to confess something here. I can’t handle messy disorder. It’s not an “Oh, this is a mess, I can’t handle this.” No. It’s a literal breakdown. I feel like my life is spinning out of control, and I begin to have these crazy symptoms. My heart starts to race, and my head hurts. I know this is a problem. I know this is a problem that needs help. And believe me, I have gotten better. I have tried my hardest to control this; and over the years I am better.
Today was the normal play-by-play of a typical day. I was in the kitchen cleaning up – dishes, counters, etc. I walked into the living room, and see that it’s a mess. There are toys, shoes, clothes, blankets, and xbox controllers all over my living room. Then… I see the cup. The same McDonald’s cup that I asked my son to put away last night… it’s still on the floor beside the couch. I lost it. I started yelling. Now, let me also say, that I had seen the basement last night where they had destroyed that too.
So, I yelled, they cleaned. Then I started feeling guilty for losing it. Sometimes, I feel like no one hears me unless I yell. As I was feeling guilty, a line from the movie Mom’s Night Out flashed into my mind. “If I am living my dream, why am I so unhappy?” I know I keep talking about this movie, but it was honestly life changing for me. Anyway, this quote flashed into my mind and I was immediately hit with another twinge of guilt. I am happy. I do love my husband and my children with everything inside of me; but, I also have these moments like today where I wonder if I just left, would anyone really miss me. Then I think, “Yes, when they need a mess cleaned up, or they need dishes washed, or food cooked.”
Some days, it’s hard to find a reason to be happy. I hold onto the small moments. Those moments like last night when I laid beside my daughter in her bed and we laughed while I made up funny names for her, “Camp Counselor Crabby pants” or “Crab-a-saurus- Rex” or “Commander Crabby.” She lost her grouches and started laughing the more silly my names became. There are the moments when I am washing dishes and my son just randomly comes up and hugs me. He stops what he is doing to seek me out and hug me. Wow. One day, I will miss these moments. I will miss the fighting, the messes, and the dirty clothes. But for now, I am boob-deep in mess… and I am pissed about it. So, I’m going to drown my sorrows in an iced coffee and some nachos. Peace out!
How do you combat the mommy (or daddy) blues?