Have you ever had that parenting moment where you wanted to pull a Zack Morris and yell, “Time Out,” give life a minute to pause, bring in a sub, and then calmly from the sidelines yell, “Time in!” and take a breath?
If you haven’t, then you have obviously never experienced middle of the night projectile vomit.
This is a parenting experience like no other. It is not for the faint of heart. You’ve got to have a strong gag reflex, some quick sleep brain function, and a large set of cajones.
If you have never experienced this, I will just take a guess and say that you do not yet have children. So, I am going to help prepare you.
First, blindfold yourself and spin in circles for about 2 minutes. Then, hold a bowl and allow someone to throw warm deviled eggs in your direction – try to catch them all, so they don’t hit the carpet – don’t forget to breath through your mouth to avoid the smell. Then try to put a set of twin sized sheets on a double bed. Next, take a 60 pound sleeping pig and try to give it a bath, without either drowning or fully waking said pig. Oh and, throw a few Legos under your bare feet just for good measure.
When pig is clean, dress it – don’t forget you can’t wake pig or he will wake everyone else in the house. After getting pig dressed, throw the bowl of warm eggs all over the pig, getting about 2/3 on yourself and the carpet. Repeat washing and dressing of pig, while still being covered in warm eggs, so as to add the task of not re-covering pig in eggs.
Get pig into bed, clean carpet, clean self, go to sleep. Wake up 30 minutes later to start you day, and repeat with 2nd pig, while 1st pig runs crazy all over the house for the rest of the day.
Do all of this without vomiting, without cursing, and without spinning into a fit of rage… Oh, and don’t forget you can’t make any noise because you have other small people sleeping in your home.
If you can accomplish this task, you have passed parenting. Congratulations! You now also understand the need for the Zack Morris “Time Out!”