Words hurt

I’ve struggled with this concept of hurtful words for most of my life. I have this brain that can’t remember anything in my day-to-day life, but let someone say something nasty to me and I will remember it until the day I die; and I will play it on repeat on an hourly schedule.

I think growing up in the environment I grew up in caused much more damage than I have ever realized or thought about. It’s a hard thing to overcome, rejection is. To have a father walk out on you, to have a “step-mom” who says the most awful things to you… those things really damage a child.

Because of these things, I have always been hyper aware of how powerful words and actions are. I would like to say this has made me into a person who is always extra careful with my words and actions, but sadly I can’t always say that is true. I have made the mistake of saying things I wish I could take back… I think everyone has.

So, how do I balance this with my understanding of my own fragile existence? I hate that words hurt me so deeply. I hate that hearing a family member say that I am dramatic or that I was a difficult child, cuts me to the deepest parts of my soul, and throws me into a tailspin of anxiety. I hate that I constantly apologize for things that are out of my control, for fear that someone will be upset with me. I hate that I can’t get rid of this inner dialogue that runs on repeat inside of my brain.

I also hate that I can, without hesitation, remember the words I have spoken in a mommy meltdown. I hate that I can’t take those things back. I look into the eyes of my children and I hate the parts of me that have lost my patience and said things in anger. Certainly, nothing too damaging, but those mommy meltdowns haven’t been in my finer moments for sure.

When making my goals for my new year, I made a goal to take a moment longer before reacting. To really think about the things that are coming out of my mouth. To be gentle with other people’s emotions and feelings. It will take time, but I consider every win a great step on the road to success.

~Aleah

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