Warning: This is a funny story about periods and pads. It will most likely hint at or include the mention of blood. If this is a problem for you, walk away. Here we go. You’ve been warned.
A few weeks ago I had my period. It was pretty heavy because I had let my birth control pills lapse, and there was no longer any regulation or reason when dealing with it. Aunt Flow was here and she had two checked bags, a carry-on, and a big purse! And as so often happens when my period rolls around, I was low on pads, but the thought of trekking to Wal-Mart yet again that week made me ill…so I enlisted help.
My husband is not one of those men who gets squeamish or leaves the room when women start discussing their period. Nine times out of ten, he throws in his own story of the travesties he’s endured under the red reign of terror when my week has arrived. When he mentioned going to the store, I quickly scooped up the opportunity to ask him for a favor.
I said, “Can you please pick up overnight pads for me?”
He said, “Sure, the orange ones right?”
I said yes and was impressed that he knew the color. Confident that he would get what I needed, I didn’t add any extra information. Clearly, this was where I went wrong.
He came home and I asked for the pads. He starts right off by saying that they didn’t have any overnight pads left and tosses me a package. I looked at the package thinking he was joking with me.
I said, “What are these?”
He answered, “Overnight pads.”
I then said, “No, these are basically diapers. These are even bigger than the giant pads they give you after pregnancy! And those are huge!!!”
He was like, “There were no orange overnight pads!”
I argued , “And you thought THESE were the best alternative, and rather than calling me to check, you bought them?”
He said sorry and told me to just take them back. And this is where my crazy kicks in because I’m thinking the whole point was that I didn’t want to go to Wal-Mart, so I wasn’t bringing them back. I decided to just deal with it and use them…at night…when noone would ever know, except now I told all of you…crap!
So I open this overnight extra heavy flow with wings package, and the damn things have four folds. FOUR!! It was bigger than my entire hand!!! I put it inside my underwear and I swear to you, it was so long that the end of the pad almost came out of the front and back. I thought, oh no, I’ve stubbornly decided to keep a package of friggin’ diapers!!! They are now sitting in the very back of the very top shelf in my bathroom closet. I’ve used 2. Sigh.