You didn’t ask for it, but I’m giving it anyway. My play-by-play thoughts on the VMAs. I know it’s a few days late, but I’ve been sick. Here it is anyway.
Note: I have avoided all talk of the show online and on the TV to avoid having my opinions swayed.
Nicki Minaj – eww. Just eww. And Taylor, really. Lipsyncing. Smh.
Macklemore and Ryan Lewis – swoon. I love these nerds so much. Ryan Lewis with that hair, those fake freckles, and ‘stache. Yes. Just yes. I feel like if I had a tribe, these geeks would be in it.
Miley – ugh. That coat and hair. Eww.
Was that Justin Bieber? What’s with that Jem and the Holograms hairstyle? Hmm. It’s kind of Kate Goslin meets 80s glam band.
That selfie. Eww. Girl, you will never beat Ellen. Never. Ever. You don’t even have Jared Leto in your selfie, so it’s not even worth talking about.
Britney. Hey girl, hey. Does she age? She looks good.
Male Video- Mark Ronson Ft. Bruno Mars. Hmm. Not my pick, but whatevs. Is that Matthew McConaughey or Joe Dirt with them. Oh, what!? Neither. Huh. Okay.
Back from commercial break. Miley, really. Ping pong balls?
Oh, excuse me… Jaded Leto is on. Shhhh. Wait. Sorry, I need to rewind that. Shhh. He’s introducing a song. He’s so pretty, it hurts. Wow.
“I Can’t Feel My Face When I’m With You…” Was this song written specifically for Jared Leto. Cause, yeah… I forget how to breathe when I see him.
Rebel Wilson – ha ha she’s me. I’m her.
Best Hip Hop Video – oh is that Paul Walker in that video? Well crap. Now I’m crying. Paul Walker. Wait, who won? I was crying over Paul Walker….
Oh Nicki and Miley. Wait. It’s going down. Nicki gonna kill a bitch.
Nick Jonas. Hmm. He grew up well. Very well.
Best Female Video – Taylor Swift. Big Shocker. Horrible outfit. Eww. She’s kind of sweet. I wonder if it’s an act? Like, maybe she’s this giant bitch in real life. She didn’t even acknowledge her fans when she was onstage earlier.
Oh hey, there’s Jared Leto again. What was I saying?
Back from commercial break. What is Miley wearing? She looks like a Barbie Doll gone bad.
Can we retire the word turnt?
Demi Lavato, hmm. She’s so cute!! Don’t like her singing really, but man she’s cute.
Another commercial. Dang Jeana.
Biebs. All grown up. With tats, and dimples. If he wasn’t such a triple, monster, douche he might seems attractive with those moves. Boy can dance.
Oh. Jared Leto again. He wasn’t impressed. Oh. Biebs is crying. That’s sweet.
Eww. Miley again. I’m over her. I’m done with the shock factor crap. Is it too late to get a new host?
Big Sean won something. I don’t know what. I was thinking about Jared Leto again. Apparently, Kanye and John Legend had something to do with it.
Commercial break. Again.
Miley and Snoop. Snoop. I like him. But this bit is stupid.
Another stupid outfit for Miley.
Kiley Jenner. That dress. Or shirt. I’m not sure which one it is. But, why is she wearing a wig? And Neo. He’s still a thing? Okay.
Tori Kelly. I like her.
Oh Pete Wentz. Gross hair. Pretty face.
Taylor presenting Kanye. Hmm. She makes him sound like a great person. I think I got a little choked up. Don’t tell anyone. What is a Vanguard award anyway? Note to self… Google VMA Vanguard Award.
Kanye is crying. Maybe he is human after all. Flash to Kim. Holy Moses, those boobs. Geeze. He’s so humble. And weird. And crazy.
Kanye stop talking. We’re done with you.
Finally. Aaaaand, another commercial break.
Miley. Just stop. Stop. Please, just stop.
Does John Legend have a personality? He seems so bland.
Farrell. Now that’s a guy with a personality. I like him. I don’t love his music all the time, but I just like him. He’s happy. He’s fun. He seems like someone who doesn’t take life too seriously.
Another commercial break. Gah!
Artist to watch: Feddy Wap? Huh?
What is this on the stage? I’m so confused by this performance. Is that guy wearing a mask? Or does he have weird neck tats? I’m so confused.
Video of the Year – Taylor Swift. Blah. Okay.
Miley’s boob. Whatevs. It’s a boob. We all have them.
Miley singing. Ugh. Can we even call it singing? I don’t think we can at this point.
She’s so gross. There’s a way to make a point and be yourself without being nasty.
Overall very underwhelming.