I’m sitting here in the corner of my new bedroom, in my new rental house, in a new state, crying. I can’t tell you how much I wish it wasn’t so. And really, I’m so tired of tears.
The 4-year-old has just had her last meltdown of the day and is in bed. The 11-year-old comes out of the playroom in tears, because said 4-year-old has drawn her name all over the new library book we just borrowed for her…in pen. Oldest sis comes out to “find out what’s going on”. I send her back to her room and the middle one back to the playroom, and I angrily tell the little one that we never EVER write in library books or any books that have stories written in them.
I walk downstairs ready to cry. I know this is my fault. Every single day I’ve had something to do since we’ve moved in. Mostly, my husband and I have been cleaning up the mess from the people who lived here before us for the last month; so our moving in was a wreck from the start. And then there’s my continuous to-do list and all of the other issues.
School enrollment. Get licenses. New doctors. Really bad allergic reaction. Get dogs licensed. New fridge parts. Not enough cabinets. Fix the yard. Get more gas. Get the cars registered. Get the dogs boosters and exams. Get more gas. Fill out paperwork. Call realtor. Call bill companies. Get more gas. Change banks. The list has been never-ending. And everyday I think, “Yes! I’m getting a handle on it,” but I guess not yet. Now we’ve added a new dog to the mix. He makes 3. The saddest part is that he’s the best of the three, and the other 2 are mine!! I think I might go crazier!
Back to it being my fault with the 4- yeay-old. There’s only so much independent play I can expect of my baby girl. Her older sisters are uninterested in playing with her. I ask them kindly to try, but it always ends in disaster.
I just don’t have any answers right now. I just feel like I’m playing this giant game of catch up and failing. And I miss my friends. My beautiful ladies whose smiles and laughs make my heart happier. I miss them, because they know when I need a hug and just time to be me. And they hear my crazy mom stories and tell me to hang in there, and then they tell me some of their crazy and I don’t feel so alone.
But tonight, I feel so alone and defeated. My husband has been a saint. He shoulders the burden as best as he can of everything. And while I know I can lean on him, I just can’t bring myself to add one more thing to his ever-growing plate. I need some balance. I need a change. My life is not working right now, and I need to take back some sanity. I need to breathe.
Pretty soon, I’ll get out of this corner. I’ll take a shower and try to wash some of these feelings away with the dirt. I’ll let the water rinse away my sadness, and my disappointment, and my shame. I’ll go downstairs and complete a task that will try to take up my time tomorrow and finish it.
Tomorrow. I have another tomorrow. It could be so much worse couldn’t it? I’m going to focus on that. I get another tomorrow to try again. Time to find some clarity. Time to learn to have more grace. Time to play with my girls. But mostly, I get another chance to balance the scales of this life I’ve been given. So I’m going to try like hell, because I’m not a quitter.
Thank you for hearing me. I haven’t forgotten all of you out there who read our little blog. Thank you for sticking with us and reading our thoughts and our fears when we finally carve out some time to write them down.
I’m getting out of this corner now. Somehow knowing I can share this low moment with all of you, helps me remember that we all have our corners we cry in, or closets, or pantries, or bathrooms. But we all find the strength somehow to keep going, to keep fighting, to keep living. And we are NOT ALONE, not really. Much love to all of you wherever you are. Hang in there and here’s a hug from me to you, in case you need one. In case, you too, are in the corner crying. It will get better. Maybe tomorrow. (Hugs) ❤