A few months ago, during my 5th night of little to no sleep due to anxiety, I was desperate to find something to help curb this overwhelming heaviness that weighed on down on me. Unable to get to sleep, I reached for my phone, opened Pinterest and typed in, “how to reduce anxiety naturally.”
The first 75 or so articles were about yoga and meditation. I got up, walked into my living room, and with the lights off, I sat. Cross-legged, eyes closed – I tried to meditate. It didn’t work. I could not clear my mind. I stumbled back to bed, defeated and frustrated.
The next morning, I sat in bed for 2 hours searching for information on how to meditate. Every article said that meditation was just the opposite of what I had always believed it to be. It wasn’t about clearing my mind. Meditation is about allowing your thoughts to enter your mind and then move freely. After pinning tons of articles and saving just as many pictures to my phone, I tried again.
I sat, pillow on the floor, spa music playing from Spotify, and eyes closed. I took several deep breaths and tried to clear my mind. I couldn’t. I remembered that’s not what meditation is, so I let my thoughts enter. I let them enter and settle within me.
I made it 5 mins before I finally couldn’t handle it anymore.
The next time, I made it 20 mins.
Sometimes, I can still only make it 5 mins, but I still make it.
One of my favorite quotes that I’ve found about meditation says, “Feel the feeling, but don’t become the emotion. Witness it. Allow it. Release it.”
That’s what I’m practicing. And it’s working. I have seen my anxiety lessen, and when it still comes I am able to quickly get through it.
I’m a work in progress, but I am working. I am practicing the art of OM.
I am learning to love this person inside of me and allow her to feel all that she has experienced. I am learning to exist. And to be happy.